Full House began its epic 8-year run on broadcast television in the fall of 1987 on the ABC network. It debuted as one of probably a dozen new sitcoms programmed to start that fall in response to the resurgence of the sitcom format led by The Cosby Show, which had debuted on the NBC network 3 years prior to both critical and popular acclaim. In hindsight, there wasn’t much that September to distinguish this Franklin/Miller-Boyett production from the rest of the ’87 class to most viewers; but at least one 8-year old was watching, and  he  had a seat in the front row to witness the birth of a new media age and to the philosophy which has virtually changed the currency of our world. That philosophy, of course, is what the enlightened among us have come to know in decades that followed as “The Tanner Rules.”

But what are the “Tanner Rules,” exactly? We live our lives by them, but so often do not focus on the source of the principles we take for granted. I write this blog in an attempt to refocus you, and hopefully in the process to rededicate myself towards achieving a greater understanding of the fundamental social text of the last 25 years.

Les Six Originaux, whose candor and courage define the apex of human dignity, post-La Révolution Française.

This blog format does not lend itself to a full recollection of the transformative world events caused directly by the existence of Full House. And because most of the notable events (including the peaceful turnover of power in South Africa, the advent of micro-finance, and the election of Al Franken to the US Senate) are common knowledge, this blogger will focus primarily on the how and why of this fundamental shift in human consciousness we know as the “Tanner Rules.”

Trinities. To begin, I must note that the parallels usually conceded between the Christian conception of the God-Head in three-parts and that of Daniel Tanner, Jesse Kotsapolis, and Joseph Gladstone as a Dad-Head in three parts, only begin to scratch the surface of what we understand to be the foundation. The edicts of that Trinity within the FH-narrative become truly persuasive only when interpreted in the light of The Trinity of Daughters (La Trinité des Filles), its audience in-narrative. The typical 24-minute episode sticks to traditional dramatic three act structure, with roughly eight minutes given each for the set-up, the conflict, and for the resolution. It is this third act, The Resolution from which we get the bulk of “Tanner Rules.” Remember that each face of the Dad-Head is both fully “Dad” and still fully an independent entity relative to the Daughters Trinity.

What Would Jesse Do?

It is this relationship between “Dads” and the final unity of musician, comedian, and morning show co-host into one Dadhood, into a singular authority figure, that was the blueprint for that model of the tripartite executive in government and business which transformed the nature of international diplomacy and the organization of multinational corporations in our time. But, again, it is the relationship between the Trinities that truly broke philosophical ground. The positions of DJ (Donna Jo), Stephanie, and Michelle Tanner in the mythology are key here. At origin, their ages are 10 years-old, 5 years-old, and 1 year-old, respectively. The ratio of 10:5:1, often referred to by mathematicians as the “Ethic Proportion,” can in more common parlance be simply noted as the Scale of Wholesomeness. The opening theme lyric is helpful here in illustrating the concept:

What ever happened to predictability?
The milk man, the paper boy, evening T.V
You miss your old familar friends, but…
waiting just around the bend.

Everywhere you look (everywhere)
There’s a heart (there’s a heart)
A hand to hold on to.
Everywhere you look (everywhere)
There’s a face (a face) of somebody who needs you.

When you’re lost out there and your all alone
A light is waiting to carry you home
Everywhere you look.

Now apart from the object wholesomeness of the lyrics’ content, if you examine the form by counting each syllable of the theme song and then considering the meter of each line relative to the syllable count of each line,  you will find that you are indeed a nearly perfect dumbass. Seriously… if you are still reading this you are at least midly retarded. Full House blows. There is no conclusion to this. Blog starts Monday. Gtfoh ’til then. Also, this is a penguin. <(“)

The oft-overlooked "Sweetin Twins."

The last known photograph of Candace Cameron.

↑ And look up here at this douchebag from the pilot. ↑

Bob Saget has been eating that sucker Posey’s lunch for 20 years. Next time, maybe don’t show up on game day with a perm when Stamos is in the room.

Next issue of Geek Blak.

“Why your mother has a favorite child, and you’re not it!”